Net Zero You

Are you are the carbon they wish to eliminate?

(Source: Getty Images)

Joel Bowman, appraising the situation from Buenos Aires, Argentina...

Welcome back, dear reader, to another Sunday Session, that time of the week when we gather at the virtual saloon to banter with mates and, in the immortal words of the great Aussie band, Cold Chisel, “see which one of us can tell the biggest lie”...

The world’s temperature has been “top of mind” for global elites of late, as last week’s Davos confab brought together a few thousand of the planet’s largest polluters to discuss what you’re doing wrong. Fortunately, the lifeblood appears to be draining from that coven of cackling kooks. (See our cheerful/hopeful obituary here: W.E.F... R.I.P.)

But that doesn’t leave the situation down here at sea level, where the rest of us jilted peasants reside, any clearer. Constantly we are reminded of the “existential crisis” facing mankind. Indeed, barely a day goes by when some righteous politician, ex-royal or hack actor is not on hand to lecture us about our carbon-based transgressions. 

Take Jane Fonda, apparently immune to embarrassment, who was wheeled out this week to draw an imaginary line between climate change and... “sexism, racism, misogyny, homophobia, whatever... the war.”

The Post Millennial @TPostMillennial

American actress Jane Fonda: “There’d be no climate crisis if it wasn’t for racism”

Or listen to the multi-talentless Kamala Harris, visibly undisturbed by a single coherent thought, explaining water to the plebs downstream... 

“The issues that are present in the climate crisis are varied and it requires us to be present and to be in front of each of the iterations and variations that include extreme weather that produces a lot of water and extreme weather that produces drought.”

(If you’ve got the time, and don’t mind being spoken to as though you just flunked first grade coloring class, have a listen to the Vice President of the United States of America explain electricity, here.)

Confronted with semantic smoothies like these (and plenty more), is it any wonder sentient adults are confused? 

And who can forget John Kerry, the US Climate Envoy, about whom Bill wrote earlier in the week?

Do you know what a ‘Climate Envoy’ is? We don’t either. But John Kerry is one. After working for the good of mankind for the last 40 years, he got the plummy gig from Joe Biden. But that is the story of Kerry’s life. Born into the very rich Forbes family (through his mother)…and educated in Switzerland, he dated Jacqueline Kennedy’s younger sister and sailed with JFK on his yacht. Later he married into the Heinz family and ordered a $10 million yacht of his own.

Now 79, what’s a man like that supposed to do with himself? Kerry imagines that he and his band of brothers and sisters have actually been selected to save the world.

Yes, it sounds lunatic. And it is. But it is also the state of play…circa 2023. Kerry explains it: 

Alas, most regular folk don’t have a $10 million yacht... are not plugged into a billion dollar condiment empire... and couldn’t summon the gall to believe they were selected by God or touched by angels or whatever other extraterrestrial nonsense rattles around Czar Kerry’s capacious noggin. 

So how can we, mere mortals that we are, do our part? Below, a helpful guide...

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Net Zero You
By Joel Bowman

“It is easier to fool a man than to convince him that he has been fooled.”
~ Mark Twain (attributed) 

Gone are the good ol’ days, dear reader, when an inquisitive mind reveled in doubt, when skepticism was considered a fair and decent position, and when honest questions were preferred to dishonest assertions. To be in the dark on one or another subject is no disgrace, after all. It is only when we profess to know that which we do not know, as the original gadfly discovered, that we tend to err. 

Alas, in this modern era of superabundance, stuffed with overfed problems and Great Causes galore, there is little room for good ol’ fashioned doubt. One must be certain of one’s position, especially if one knows nothing about it. Whatever the matter, man’s mind must be made up. 

He must be a virologist on Monday... a climatologist on Tuesday... an expert in Eastern European geopolitics on Wednesday... an economist on Thursday... a Critical Race Theorist on Friday... and still have enough energy left over to disappoint his wife and children on the weekend. 

Now, in the Age of “The Science,” even silence is considered violence (because who can argue with... rhyming?)

When it comes to the greatest Great Cause of them all – that is, what the planet’s temperature ought to be a century from now... and the sacrifices you need to make in the here and now to ensure such a future – the Capital E “Experts” and Capital S “Scientists” are all in agreement. 

You need to stop eating meat, stop drinking coffee, and remain in your 5-minute zone. (Fun fact: Did you know that by replacing your morning espresso with a matcha latte and swapping out your Sunday roast for a plate of crickets you can reduce your life’s enjoyment factor by up to 76.3%?)

But this is really just the tip of the rapidly melting iceberg. The United Nations lists 7 major causes of climate change on its website, helpfully filed under a tab marked “The Science.” (Not joking.)

We include them here, for the edification of all racists misogynists Davos rejects “workers,” so that we may collectively repent of our carbon-based crimes:

1. Generating power - Let’s get this straight, the primary sin you’re committing against the planet: existing. Since most power is generated by burning fossil fuels, the cheapest, densest, most reliable, widespread energy source civilization has yet managed to scale (the “anti-nuclear” brigade having largely stalled that bounteous endeavor...at least in the enlightened west), things like electricity and heating are big no-nos. So switch off that light and turn off that thermostat, brother. Your carbon-based lifestyle is part of the problem.
   

2. Manufacturing goods - The verdict in: goods are no bueno. “Manufacturing and industry produce emissions,” observes the UN. And we can’t have that. So “things like cement, iron, steel, electronics, plastics, clothes, and other goods” will have to go bye-bye. (At least until we can power heavy industry with windmills and paper straws, which is never.) But don’t think that means we can return to our utopian, agrarian roots, a la Mao’s Great Leap Backwards, as you’ll discover in #3…
   

3. Cutting down forests - Felling trees to create farms or pastures is also verboten. Why? Shut up, racist! Also: Emissions. According to the UN, “Deforestation, together with agriculture and other land use changes, is responsible for roughly a quarter of global greenhouse gas emissions.” Translation: No usa the land… no usa the agriculture… no toucha the trees. (Ignore the fact that, having “gone green,” industrialized nations like Germany and Poland are facing severe energy shortages this winter… and so had to revert from burning clean natural gas… to felling virgin forests and burning trash, just to keep from freezing to death. “Keep digging, comrades... you’re almost there!”)

4. Using transportation - This one’s a cinch… just don’t go anywhere. Ever. Unless, of course, you’re one of Czar Kerry’s “touched” ones. In which case, absolutely zip around the world on your family’s Gulfstream GIV-SP private jet and splash about in the warming oceans in your luxury yacht. These rules of scarcity apply only to we mere commoners, not blessed patricians, divinely anointed.
   

5. Producing food - Just. Stop. Eating. According to the UN, “Producing food causes emissions of carbon dioxide, methane and other greenhouse gasses.” And, as “The Science” assures us, emissions are bad. So bad, in fact, that if we keep emitting, oceans may rise some indeterminate amount 100 years from now, which could cause death (for people who take longer than a century to walk up a small slope). Better to just stop eating now, so as to avoid certain drowning in 2123.
   

6. Powering buildings - “Globally, residential and commercial buildings consume over half of all electricity,” according to the UN. The main culprits: “heating and cooling,” plus “rising air-conditioner ownership, as well as increased electricity consumption for lighting, appliances, and connected devices.” Yes, dear reader, along with food, energy, goods, farms etc. it’s time to throw shelter out the window, too. It’s the only thing we can do to ensure the survival of Davos Man.
   

7. Consuming too much - If “too much” sounds a bit vague, almost as if it’s not really “Capital-S Scientific,” recall that you are not a Capital-S Scientist. Then eat six insects, watch two interviews with Neil deGrasse Tyson and repent like the environment hater you are. According to the UN’s webpage, “Your home and use of power, how you move around, what you eat and how much you throw away all contribute to greenhouse gas emissions.” 

Of course, eliminating the above “causes of climate change” only gets us so far. Perhaps the most inconvenient truth of all is the fact that all life on earth is carbon based, from the chains of molecules that serve as the very basis for life as we know it, such as proteins and DNA, to the unimaginably complex brain reading these very words, we are all made of original sin.

Consider that next time you hear your elites and touched extraterrestrials wax prophetically about their dream of a “Zero Carbon” world. Because in the end, it’s all about one thing: Zero Carbon You. 

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And that will do for another Sunday Session, dear reader. As usual, feel free to like, comment and share our work with sinners and saints alike.

By the way… does anybody else notice how uncomfortable/inconvenient Google search results tend to “change quickly”?

Here’s the message we saw this morning after trying to locate Jane Fonda’s clip from above (which lives on Twitter but is rapidly disappearing from other sites…)

We’re no search expert, but it does seem strange, no? Let us know your thoughts down below…

Meanwhile, we’re off to local favorite La Dorita for a Sunday ribeye (hold the crickets). Bill will return tomorrow with his regular daily missives.

Whatever you’re up to this weekend, we hope you’re having a good one...

Cheers,

Joel Bowman