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Egypt Solomon's avatar

WELCOME TO THE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE REVOLUTION!

I’m fascinated by the 100-year bond. A hundred years, that’s confidence.

You lend a corporation money in 2026 and they promise:

“Don’t worry, we’ll settle up in 2126.”

Oh, excellent, I’ll put it in my calendar.

Right between: “Colonize Neptune” and “Annual prostate exam.”

Who buys a 100-year bond?

You can’t even get a contractor to guarantee a WATER HEATER for twelve years. But apparently investors look at a technology company and say:

“Surely nothing important will change over the next century.”

Really?

One hundred years ago, people were listening to radio programs beside a stove that could kill them. Now we’re asking a computer to write erotic fan fiction about the toaster. Things change. Imagine buying a 100-year technology bond in 1926.

“Gentlemen, I’ve invested the family fortune in the future!”

“What company?”

“Telegraph poles.”

“How long is the bond?”

“A century.”

“Wonderful. Your great-grandchildren will receive eleven dollars and a museum exhibit.”

And now we have AI companies valued at astronomical numbers. Wonderful businesses. Some make money. Some expect to make money. Some are investing gigantic sums so that someday they can make money. And some apparently have achieved the most advanced financial technology ever invented:

MAKING THE WORD “SOMEDAY” WORTH $200 BILLION.

That’s incredible. I tried that with my mortgage. The bank wasn’t impressed.

“Sir, when will you make the payment?”

“Someday.” Apparently, I needed a pitch deck.

Computers will replace humans!

EVERYBODY PANIC! The machine works twenty-four hours a day!

Never sleeps! Never complains! Never asks for health insurance! Never takes vacation! Fantastic!

How much does it cost?

DON’T ASK THAT.

How much electricity?

NEXT QUESTION.

How many data centers?

LOOK OVER THERE! PRODUCTIVITY!

Suddenly Iowa has a building consuming enough electricity to open a portal to another dimension.

Farmer walks outside:

“Margaret, why is the corn glowing?”

“Claude is making a PowerPoint.”

And apparently some AI tasks consume enormous quantities of computational resources. Beautiful. We spent decades complaining:

“Damn employees! Coffee breaks! Lunch breaks! Health insurance!”

So we replaced Steve from Accounting with a machine. Steve cost $72,000 a year. The machine requires:

TWO ACRES OF NVIDIA CHIPS, A SMALL NUCLEAR REACTOR AND THE COLORADO RIVER.

Management: “LOOK AT THE SAVINGS!”

Then somebody discovers humans might occasionally be cheaper.

THE HUMAN RETURNS!

Corporate America:

“Wait…the biological version runs on sandwiches?” YES!

“And coffee?” YES!

“Can it attend meetings? Unfortunately.

“Can it produce reports?” Yes.

“Can it explain why we’re having the meeting?”

NO TECHNOLOGY HAS ACHIEVED THAT.

And suddenly the human employee becomes revolutionary technology.

Introducing: HUMAN 2.0, Runs on approximately 2,000 calories per day! Portable! Self-cooling! Wireless! Can recognize sarcasm! Requires no data center! Occasionally smells strange!

And after work…

IT TURNS OFF.

Silicon Valley:

“My God.”

Kevin Johnson's avatar

If the NPCs would acquire their knowledge the old fashioned way by reading physical books instead of issuing their drive-by queries to "AI", collective IQ would increase and the AI industrial complex would go the way of the internet - a novelty at first but now just a moderately useful tool for information sharing; and for the masses it's a useless distraction and huge waste of time.

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